Hi, this is John Scalzi. I will never ever ever ever listen to the voice mail you’re about to leave, because voice mail is a pain in the ass. So if you actually want to reach me, you can either send me a text at this number, or send me e-mail at “email@example.com.” Feel free to leave a voice message if you want, but remember, I will never ever listen to it. Have a nice day!
John Scalzi’s voicemail message. Brilliant.